Have you noticed the signs of an abusive relationship in your child? Maybe your intuition is telling you that something about your child’s new relationship is ‘off’. Do you feel like you are in a tug-of-war battle over your child with a boy/girlfriend? If you notice any of these things, your child is probably in an unhealthy relationship.
If your child is dating an unhealthy person, keeping a close relationship to her/him is the best thing you can do. The brutal truth is, that’s easier said than done. An abusive partner will do everything possible to alienate your child from the people they love, especially those they perceive as a threat to the relationship. A loving parent is at the top of that list. It is likely that they are actively trying to get your child to see you in a negative light. When your child seems to be seeing you differently (i.e. they used to see you as protective and loving and now see you as controlling and suffocating), remember that this is probably coming from the influence of their abusive or unhealthy partner. Conversations about why they feel the way they do and what you’re seeing are important. Try to keep the conversations about the relationship between the two of you and what healthy relationships look like in general, rather than having negative conversations about the person they are dating.
It may also be that the abusive partner is trying to provoke your anger towards your child. This can be difficult because it simply looks like your child is misbehaving or making poor choices. While it’s important to hold your child accountable if they are breaking your rules, make sure that you are doing so with a firm patience. There were many times that, before handing out a consequence, I had to wait a day or so until I had calmed down enough to consider the best way to handle a situation. The last thing you’ll want to do is let anger control your words or actions because, in their minds, it could affirm what their abusive partner is trying to get them to see and send them straight into their arms.
The thought of your child spending any time with someone who you know is manipulating his or her relationships is about enough to drive any parent crazy. Yes, you have a responsibility to protect them, but the choice to end the relationship has to be theirs. Trying to force the end of the relationship could drive them further away from you and closer to their abuser. With any luck, the conversations you have will get them to see that the relationship isn’t healthy and they will take the steps to end the relationship sooner rather than later. If you don’t think your conversations are getting through, enlist the help of your child’s friends, especially a close friend whom they seem to have stopped hanging out with since the relationship began.
If your child is showing signs of physical abuse or if the partner is refusing to leave your property or threatening your family, get law enforcement involved immediately.
If you find yourself in this situation as a parent, let me tell you how sorry I am. Having walked this journey, I can tell you that love, a whole lot of patience, and a belief in the foundation of your relationship with your child is what you will need to lean on as you take this walk.
I wish I could tell you that it will be easy. The fact is, it won’t. There will be times you want to throw your hands up in frustration, other times, you’ll be overcome with worry and heartbreak. Sometimes you’ll take giant leaps forward with your child, and other times you’ll feel like you’ve never gotten through at all. But even in the moments where you feel hopeless, trust that as long as you keep loving and supporting your child, something is getting through. DO NOT GIVE UP.
